Who doesn’t enjoy a good joke? For your reading pleasure, we’ve compiled the best witty retirement jokes and stories. If one tickles your funny bone, share it with a friend. After all, they always say, laughter is the best medicine.
1. Hunting Buddies
A couple of retired buddies went hunting. After tramping through the woods for the day, Walt’s friend clutches his chest before collapsing on the ground.
Calling 911, he frantically explains his friend isn’t breathing and appears to be dead. The dispatcher asks “First, can you make sure he’s dead?”
“Hang on” Walt said,
Then the echo of a loud gunshot…BOOM!
… “Okay, now what”?
2. Green Side Up
A non-profit senior association has undertaken an environmentally friendly center for their membership. All labor is by retiree members, many with trade skills and others enthusiastically doing their best.
With the building halfway completed, it’s time for the city inspectors to check the progress. The first thing they noticed were bent nails in the wall framing.
While still structurally sound, it wasn’t the sign of professional work. The president of the association makes a note of this and his assistant goes to the window shouting “Green side up”.
Next, the electrical inspector notices a minor deficiency in the wiring. While not critical, it’s not up to the latest code. Again, the president writes the details in his book. His assistant, once again, goes to the window and shouts out “Green side up”.
As the tour progresses, the plumbing inspector points out some sloppy pipe joints. This is also duly noted with another shout of “Green side up”.
Finally, one of the inspectors could take it no more. “Why does he keep shouting green side up?” he asked. The president ruefully shakes his head saying “today they’re laying sod around the building”.
3. Funny Retired Story on Diet
The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.
'The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg.
'Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilizers and pesticides and none of us realizes the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water.
However, there’s one food that’s incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives. Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
A 65-year-old nurse sitting in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding Cake”.
**Witty retirement jokes from Funny-jokes
4. Peter's Last Day at Work
After 35 years, it was bittersweet going into the office for the last time. Even his wife didn’t seem to care and there was no retirement celebration planned. Maybe he’d pack up and leave early.
He was pleasantly surprised when his assistant Kitty said, “Boss, I’d like to make today special for you. Can I take you to lunch, just you and me?”. He was flattered at least someone remembered.
She knew just the place, only a couple of blocks away, with upscale French cuisine. Ushered to a private table near the back, she splurged on an expensive bottle of wine. As they laughed and chatted, he saw a side to her he’d never seen before.
Feeling a little tipsy, Peter was really enjoying himself as they strolled back. Then she announced “today’s your last day and I have something special for you. Do you mind coming up to my apartment?”
To himself, he thought this was too good to be true as he eagerly followed her up. Fixing him a drink, she said “Make yourself comfortable, I’ll be right back”.
A couple of minutes later, the bedroom door swung open with Kitty carrying a huge cake. Behind her was his wife and a dozen co-workers cheering “Happy Retirement”.
** Revised from Mabels.org.uk.
5. Love Doctor
An elderly retired couple went to a doctor. The man said, "We want to know if we’re making love properly. Will you look at us?"
"Go ahead," said the doctor. They made love. "You’re making love perfectly," the doctor said. "That will be $10."
They came back six weeks in a row and did the same thing. On the seventh visit the doctor said, "What are you coming here like this for — I told you that you’re making love properly!"
** From Retirement-quotes
6. Witty Retirement Joke About Snowbirds
A retired couple were flying back to their Florida winter home when there was a loud bang. Almost immediately, the intercom chimes with the captain announcing “we lost the left engine and will be delayed thirty minutes.
There’s no need for concern as you’re perfectly safe”. The wife laments how they’ll miss their ride home. The husband’s equally irritable with the inconvenience and delay.
After a while, the captain announces they’ve entered Florida airspace. But, the flight will be further delayed as they need to burn off fuel. He further reassures them of the aircraft safety features.
No sooner than he’s finished, there’s another loud bang. The remaining engine had caught on fire and is trailing black smoke!
The passenger across the aisle leans over, “if this keeps up, we’ll be up here all day”!
7. Selective Hearing
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it? 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' The third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
8. Killing Time
A retired couple went into town to buy some milk and bread. They were only in the store for about five minutes, but when they came out, they noticed a police officer writing a parking ticket, clearly about to place it on the car.
“Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” the man exclaimed. The police officer ignored him and continued writing the ticket, before sticking it firmly to the windshield.
“You’re a dumbass,” the man shouted at the police officer. The police man glared at them and started writing another ticket for having worn tires on the car. Getting annoyed, the wife shouted at the cop: “You’re a s**t head.”
The police officer finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then, he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more the couple abused the cop, the more tickets he wrote.
Then a bus arrived and the couple jumped on and went home.
9. Social Security
A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he’d left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," as she processes his Social Security application.
10. Hearing Loss
An elderly gentleman who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100 percent.
The elderly gentleman went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
11. Life's So Darn Boring
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life’s so darn boring.
We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!" "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
12. 50 Year Anniversary
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.
Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"
** Witty retirement jokes from Jokes4us
13. Young vs. Old Rooster
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand-new stud rooster for his chicken coop to replace an old rooster who was pretty much in retirement.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says: “OK, old fart, time for you to retire for good. You should’ve been in retirement a long time ago.”
The old rooster replies: “Come on, surely you can’t handle all of these chickens. Look what it’s done to me! Can’t you just let me have the two old hens and three or four young ones?
This’ll save you from having to enter retirement before your time.” The young rooster says: “Beat it! You’re washed up and I’m taking over. Full retirement will do you good.”
The old rooster says: “I tell you what, young stud. I’ll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”
The young rooster laughs and says: “You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I’ll give you a head start.”
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He’s only about five feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The farmer grabs his shotgun and — BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits and pieces — the ultimate retirement for him, long before his time.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says: “Darn it — third gay rooster I bought this month.”
The moral of this story is: Don’t mess with the older, retired individuals of this world. Age, skill, wisdom and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance.
14. You Know You're a Retiree When...
- You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
- You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
- Getting “lucky” means you remember where you left your car in the parking lot.
- Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt; doesn’t work.
- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
- You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.
15. Not Blaming Inflation
An elderly man remembers the good old days: “When I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single dollar bill and I would bring back five pounds of potatoes, two pounds of bread, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs.
Nowadays that’s impossible – there are simply too many security cameras.”
16. Ethel and Mabel
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
** Witty retirement jokes from Mabels.org.uk
17. Murphy's Law
Myra Rhodes, a little old lady, answered a knock on the door one day and was confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning, ma’am,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away!” said Myra. “I’m broke and haven’t got any money,” and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty,” he commanded.
“Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“Now, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma’am, I’ll personally eat the remainder,” he said.
18. The Rubber Thingy
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.
As he gets up, an 8-year-old kid, sitting nearby turns to him and says, “Sir if you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.”
The old man snaps back, 'Well, Sonny, if your Daddy did the same thing eight years ago, I'd have a bloody seat today!!!'
19. Army Retirement Bonus
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose.
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000. Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check.
When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man said that’d be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring."
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants. He did... The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?!"
20. Senior Pick Up Line
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He’s in his mid-eighties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive aftershave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies. The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.
He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me.... do I come here often?"
** Witty retirement jokes from Cleveland Seniors
21. Claude and Maude
They met at the senior singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others’ company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.
They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts....
Claude’s thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."
22. Annual Check Up
George, 70-years-old, went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night.
Then he said: "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said: "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that’s been bugging me.
23. The Physical
Percy, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Percy walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Percy and said, “You're really doing great, aren't you?” Percy replied, “Just doing what you said, Doctor. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful”.
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur, be careful.”
24. Funny Retirement Joke on Vanity
Stan decided to celebrate turning 65 with a complete make over. He updated his wardrobe for a more youthful look and booked himself in for a full spa treatment. Feeling like a million bucks, he decided to get a lottery ticket.
The line moved quickly and he knew this was his lucky day. On impulse, he asked the attendant “how old do I look”. His response “I’d say you’re in your early 50s”. Stan beamed declaring today was his 65th birthday!
Heading home, an elderly woman at the bus stop commented on what a nice day it was. Stan couldn’t help himself and asked her to guess his age.
Squinting at him, she announced her eyesight wasn’t what it used to be. But after three husbands, she could tell the age of any man after touching their manhood.
There wasn’t a soul around, so Stan thought what the heck. After about a minute, her face brightened and she exclaimed “Happy 65th birthday”!
He was completely dumbfounded. How did she guess his true age? As her bus pulled up, she sweetly added “I was behind you in the lottery line”.
25. Church Service
An elderly couple were attending a church service. About halfway through she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
** Witty retirement jokes from Startsat60
26. Funeral Service
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
27. Final Request
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week.”
Closing Thoughts on Witty Retirement Jokes
I have to confess, researching this article was an absolute blast! There’s lots of funny retirement jokes out there, so it was a challenge to collect the best of the best – as determined by my sense of humor.
A few have been rewritten to add retirement flavor and make them age appropriate. My favorite, and the first one was “Hunting Buddies”. Short and to the point, it just struck me as hilarious.