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Retirement quotes are commonly used in speeches and presentations, in cards and on a wide assortment of gifts. These last days at work are a big deal for the soon to be retiree. 

We’ve compiled the funniest and most genuine ways of expressing your sentiments.

The best retirement one liners take a lighthearted approach commemorating this next chapter in life. The message should be positive and uplifting as this is what they’ll likely remember for years to come.

If you’re looking for the perfect way of expressing your wishes to a co-worker, close friend, or family member, read on!

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Funny Retirement One Liners

1. When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. - R.C. Sherriff

2. Why don’t most retirees mind being called seniors? Because it includes a 10% discount.

3. Retired: under new management, see wife for details.

4. What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays? Retired

5. I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So, I do it three or four times a day. – Gene Perret

6. The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons

7. The money may not be as good, but the hours are way better!

8. Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. - Gene Perret

9. Just when the wife thinks she got the kids out for good, he decides to retire!

10. When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

11. The company gave me an aptitude test and I found out the work I was best suited for was retirement. - Unknown

12. I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves. - Bruce Grocott

13. Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, 'Hi, Honey, I'm home”— forever. – Gene Perret

14. Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. – Gene Perret

15. I don’t want to. I don’t have to. You can’t make me. I’m retired.

16. I’m retired, it’s no longer my problem.

17. Retired not expired!

18. Goodbye tension hello pension.

19. Warning. Retired person on the premises. Knows everything and has plenty of time to tell it. 

20. Behind every retired man is a wife praying he’ll go back to work!

21. After retiring, it’s always five o’clock somewhere!

22. Now you can give the advice to others that you never followed!

23. One of the downsides of retiring, coffee breaks are now on your own time.

24. You’re over the hill when your back goes out more frequently than you do!

25. Retired and happy... spending my kids' inheritance!

26. Retirement is the only real excuse you'll ever have to spend your entire life's savings.

27. I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow, and make everyone late for work.

28. You know you’re ready to retire when “getting lucky” means finding your car in the parking lot.

Inspirational Retirement One Liners

29. Retirement is the only time in life when time no longer equals money.

30. Retire from your job, but never retire your mind.

31. Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time. - Jim Rohn

32. If you look at what you have in life, you’ll always have more. If you look at what you don’t have in life, you’ll never have enough. - Oprah Winfrey

33. There is a whole new kind of life ahead, full of experiences just waiting to happen. Some call it 'retirement.' I call it bliss. – Betty Sullivan

34. Retirement is not the end of the road. It is the beginning of the open highway. – Unknown

35. May you be proud of the work you have done, the person you are, and the difference you have made.

36. Never underestimate the difference you made and the lives you touched.

37. Retirement is the time to enjoy what you’ve been working toward for so long.

38. As this chapter ends another begins!

39. The best part about being retired is never having to request time off.

40. Enjoy every day as if it were your last; time is precious.

41. Retire from work, not from life.

42. The older you get the less peer pressure you’ll have.

43. Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

44. Retirement is when you switch bosses from the one who hired you to the one who married you. - Gene Perret

45. Retirement is when you stop living at work and start working at living. - Anonymous

46. Often when you think you're at the end of something, you're at the beginning of something else. - Fred Rogers

47. In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.  - Abraham Lincoln

48. Retired is being tired twice, I've thought, first tired of working, then tired of not. -  Richard Armour

49. We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give. - Winston Churchill

50. Never lose your sense of humor because you grow old when you stop laughing!

51. It is better to live rich than to die rich. - Samuel Johnson

52. You can’t retire from being great. - Unknown

53. Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache unless you play golf. - Gene Perret

54. You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. – C.S. Lewis

55. The longer you work, the more money you’ll have for retirement. But the longer you work, the less time you’ll have to enjoy that retirement.

56. The position you have waited on for years is finally yours!

57. Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. - Will Rogers

58. There are really only two stages of life. The first half and then the second stage when we realize we only have one life.

59. Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Retirement One Liners for Co-Workers

60. Congratulations, you’re old enough to know better, but young enough not to care!

61. You’re young at heart and now's the time to live your dreams!

62. You can wake up in the morning with nothing to do and getting half of it done is a productive day!

63. Retiring for health reasons means you were sick of working!

64. He who laughs last at the boss’s jokes probably isn’t far from retirement. - Unknown

65. The positive side of being retired is kidnappers are less interested in you.

66. We’re all happy for you, except we’d be even happier if we could join you!

67. We were sad you’re leaving us, but it’s one less person hitting "reply all" on emails by mistake.

68. The only reason we’re not celebrating is all this “doing more with less” is killing us.

69. Instead of being up by the crack of dawn, now the crack of noon is more realistic! - Debbie@RetiresGreat

70. Congratulations on deciding life is more important than work.

71. I'm not just retiring from the company. I'm also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron. - Hartman Jule

72. Retirement is when you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house. - Unknown

73. Wishing you a wonderful retirement - hope it's filled with good health, relaxation and fun!

74. People will often forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou

75. We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock.  - Dave Allen

76. The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. - Unknown

77. The best is yet to come! - Carolyn Leigh and Cy Coleman

As an added bonus from us to you...

Money gets you to the starting blocks but doesn't win the race. ~ Retires Great

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Words matter and a kind insightful word can make a world of difference. You might consider a small gift (see our gift ideas page) making their day even more special.

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  • Thanks for this. I sent this link to my spouse.

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